by Kate Plourde

When I study, I use my King James Bible and a Noah Webster’s 1828 Dictionary. Both are quoted in this study. Before I start, I want to share a little something with you. I was saved on April 1, 1980. John and I had been married for 6 years already. I was no longer in love with my husband and I wanted “out” of my marriage. I no longer loved my husband and, in fact, hated him! I was married to an unbeliever for six years before he got saved. During these six years, God taught me how to be a submissive wife and what His Word said about being the wife of an unbeliever. God not only taught me in these areas but he healed my marriage and restored my love for my husband. Praise His Holy Name that He not only saved me, but He drew my husband to salvation six years later. I speak to you today because I have been through this. I speak from experience of the wonderful things God can do in your marriage if YOU allow Him to do it. That’s the key.  Allowing God to work in our lives is a CHOICE.   We must allow God to work in our hearts, our husband’s heart, and our marriage. God desires for you to have a great marriage. God desires for your marriage to be equally yoked.For you ladies who are married to a saved husband, please read the study anyway as it involves submission … and we can ALL stand to have refresher courses in this very important area in our lives. 🙂 Are you ready to commit to that? Are you tired of your marriage being rocky and miserable and unequally yoked? Are you desiring a husband who will serve God and love Him? These wonderful things CAN be achieved if you do your part with your heart and leave your husband to the Lord.

Let’s get on with the study then 🙂

Heavenly Father, I know that all things work together for good for those who love You. I pray, Father, that You would use this study to Your glory and that You would heal the heart of the lady who is desperately trying to draw nigh to You. I lift up each marraige represented here and pray God that Your Holy Spirit would work in the hearts of the women to be the help meet You want her to be. I ask all these things in Jesus’ Precious, Precious Name. Amen.

Definition of a Wife:

What does the Word define a wife as? A wife is a helpmeet according to Genesis 2:18 “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him..”

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what help meet means. She will help her husband and she will meet his needs. 🙂 Simple, isn’t it? Does it say that she is a help meet only if the husband is saved? Not in my Bible 🙂  Does it say that she is a help meet only if her husband is doing right?  There are saved husbands out there who are not following God’s will for their lives.  So where does God draw the line on being a help meet?  He does not make any prerequisites.

When Does a Wife Submit:

Therefore, we are to be help meets regardless of where he is spiritually. Before I begin, I need to stress that God’s Word for wives does not only apply when we are married to a wonderful Christian man. It would be very easy to be a wife of such a man. God’s Word applies when we are married to an unbeliever, a back-slidden believer, drunkard, gambler, drug addict, etc. It applies to the woman who has been married for many years and is no longer in love with her husband (and vice versa). Well, Kate you might say, just how in the world can I be a help meet to a man such as my husband? He’s simply awful! The answer is quite simple. Let God work in you to be the kind of wife He wants YOU to be and HE will take care of your husband. 🙂 This is not an easy thing to do… I know that. However, I’ve been there and I know what worked in my heart and for my marriage.  We need to stop trying to change our husbands and let the Holy Spirit do the changing in him.  If we concentrate on our OWN spiritual growth, we won’t have time to worry about our husband’s spiritual growth – or lack of it.

The best place to find information on what is expected of you as a wife is to go to the Source where the information is perfect and absolutely correct 🙂 … and that, my friend, is your beautiful Bible. Let’s look at probably one of the most important passages of Scriptures for married women.

~1 Peter 3:1-6 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. 3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. 5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

1 Peter 3:1 God starts the verse with Likewise. Likewise means: In like manner; also; moreover; too. ….

Hmmmm, likewise to what? To see what Peter was referring to, you must go to chapter 2 and read the latter part of it. When these letters were written, they weren’t divided by chapters and verses as they are now so we lose that continuity. As you see, Peter is referring to Christ’s work on the cross and how we are now returned to the Bishop and Shephard of our souls 🙂 Isn’t that beautiful? As Peter lays the groundwork here, he then moves on to chapter 3 verse 1. SOOOO, now that we are saved we have some instructions to follow.

Submission to Whom?

Next, the instruction is to “ye wives” … it does not say husband here. This is a definite instruction to US. Furthermore, that verse goes on to say that you are to be in subjection to your OWN husbands.  Why do you think Peter would need to tell the wives this? Could it be that they were listening to other men but not listening to their own husbands? I use to be that way. My husband could tell me that the sky was blue but I wouldn’t listen to him. But let another man (especially a saved one) tell me that the sky was blue, I listened to him. Isn’t that sad? I’m ashamed to even say that I did that, but I did. 🙁 (Thank You Lord for Your patience with me.) In fact, Peter thought this SO important that he says it again in verse 5.

I believe Peter had a tender heart for wives … he had a wife of his own. He knew exactly what we needed to hear and God spoke through Peter as he wrote these instructions for us. Verse 1 continues to say “that if any of your husbands don’t obey the word” … let’s park there for a moment. Does it say that if any of your husbands are not saved? No, it does not. Therefore, this could also apply to women with husbands who ARE saved but are backslidden. Both the unsaved and backslidden husbands are disobedient to the Word.

So what does Peter tell us to do if we are married to a man who is disobedient to the Word? He says that they “may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;”! 😯 Do you see that wives? When I first read this verse, the words WITHOUT THE WORD jumped off the page at me and convicted my heart! 😥

This can mean several things: no preaching to hubby, no correcting him, no nagging him because he’s not going to church, no nagging PERIOD, no belittling him, and all those other nasties that tend to come out of our mouths when we are not happy with him. Why? The answer is in the latter part of that verse … so that they may be WON by the conversation of the wives. Well, if we’re not allowed to speak, what conversation is Peter referring to? God’s not saying that we cannot speak at all. He’s telling us that He doesn’t want us “speaking” THE WORD to our unsaved husbands. Our behavior doesn’t stop with our mouths. Our behavior continues in our attitude – sulking, rolling eyes, etc. Why do you think God doesn’t want you to quote the Scriptures to your hubby when he’s sinning? Aren’t we suppose to correct our brother in Christ like Matthew 18 says?

Not your husband! Let the Holy Spirit deal with your husband. You must remember that the Holy Spirit IS God! His way is perfect and His way will bring peace and reconciliation in your marriage … not YOUR preaching. You are not your husband’s personal little ‘holy spirit’! We have many opportunities to speak the Word – we can speak it to our children.  Sometimes your husband will even overhear you from the other room.  I truly believe that when we “preach” to our unsaved or disobedient husbands, it comes across to them as “fingernails on a blackboard.” I believe this because this is what my husband told me he felt.

What CAN I Share With My Husband?

Now let me stop here a moment to clarify that I am not saying that you cannot tell your husband that he has hurt you or share with him something that you would like him to do. For example, if your husband is constantly using the Lord’s name in vain, it is OK for you to ask him to please restrain himself from doing this because it hurts you. BUT, you don’t have to quote him the Scriptures that deal with using the Lord’s name in vain. Does this make sense? The Word says that you are not to preach to him… example: Hubby doesn’t want to go to church but yet you remind him that Hebrews 10:25 says that he should go to church. THIS is what God is referring to. Let the Holy Spirit convict your husband’s heart. He will accept it a whole lot better coming from God than coming from you. In fact, when we preach to our husbands about their sin, we distance ourselves from them. They will resent us for “being more spiritually minded” than they are. God knew what He was saying in this verse.  Just go to church and let God deal with your husband.

It’s All In The Attitude

Let’s move on to verse 2. Our husbands need to observe our chaste conversation coupled with fear. What is God talking about here? Chaste means pure … pure conversation … I’m thinking sweet, clean, holy and uplifting conversation, aren’t you? But not just that alone … God says “coupled with fear” … what do you think He means here? God is saying that your husband should hear pure conversation from your mouth to the point where he actually can tell that you fear God (respect Him, reverence Him, obey Him). Do you suppose your husband thinks that you fear God when you’re snapping at him? I don’t think so. Verse 3-5 go on to describe the chaste conversation of the wife and how it does not mean “how she looks, fixes her hair” but how her HEART is. God is saying that the wife is to have a meek and quiet spirit … a mild and peaceable spirit. Can she truly have this type of spirit if she is preaching to her husband or correcting him spiritually? Of course not. Well, Kate, this is easier said than done. You know what? You’re right! It is. However, my Bible says that ALL things are possible with Christ. My Bible says that ALL things work together for good. Therefore, I must allow God to do the changing in MY heart. Forget my husband’s sins because I have enough of my own to deal with! :-S

Forget my husband’s faults. Forget my husband’s disobedience. Holy Spirit, work within ME to change ME and I will leave my husband to Your care, Lord. We’ve all heard the Scriptures that God is the Potter and we are the clay. God needs to mold you to be the wife He wants you to be for your husband. As He is working on you, He is working on your husband so give God a chance to work! He’s YOUR husband, not someone else’s. You cannot trade him in for another model, ladies. I hate to put it in these terms, but you are stuck with him. You chose him to be your life-long partner. You would be out of God’s will if you divorced him so the only alternative is to “” to the Holy Spirit and let Him work a miracle in your life by healing your heart of the sin of being an unsubmissive wife … yes, I said sin! It is sin because it is rebellion against God’s will for you as a wife.

The Extent of Submission

It IS sin to be unsubmissive. We’ve been commanded in several Scriptures to submit to our own husband, amen? Confess this sin and forsake it. Let God work in your heart. Don’t worry about your husband. God will take care of him. I’m speaking from experience. 🙂

Lastly, verse 6 gives Sarah as our example. She called Abraham “lord” (little “l” not L). Webster defines lord as (1) master (2) husband (3) a title of respect, as applied to kings, or as to a respectable person. God is not saying that we should call our husbands lord with our lips but He IS saying we should call our husbands lord with our hearts. He is saying that we should recognize our husband’s position as master of our home and to give him the respect due him, just as you show respect to the President of the U.S. One of the definitions of master is “husband”! Does that make an impression on your heart? Your husband is given this position as lord of your home by God Himself.

So if any of you ladies believe that you just HAVE to rule your home because hubby’s doing a horrible job, you need to ask the Holy Spirit to change your heart!  It is not your job to rule your home. It is your job to “help” your husband fulfill his role as master and ruler of your home. Your unbelieving or disobedient (to the Word) husband has the rule over you, your children and your home. Your husband has direct authority from God to be master of your home. Just because he is not saved doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the God-given responsibility as your head and head of your house. Ephesians 5:23 “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.” Why would Paul have to tell the Ephesians that the husband was the head of the wife? If husbands ruling over the wife WAS being practiced, do you think Paul would have to tell them this? Good question, huh? It is your natural fleshly desire to have the rule over your husband. We think we know better than our husbands at times. We think we just have to get our way or his way will lead us to ruin! Sound familiar? God says that your husband shall rule over you. Maybe you are better at doing some things but that does not take away the fact that your husband is still head of your home.

If you think of a master of a house (either during the time of slavery or even an employer of a company), you think of someone who makes the decisions and runs the show. No employee would tell his boss what to do and get away with it. No slave would tell his master what to do without being chastised for it. Although we are not slaves or employees to our husbands, the concept is pretty much the same. Someone has to make the final decision if there is a split-decision. For example, your husband wants a Pontiac and you want a Chevrolet. Your husband has to make the final decision since the two of you are not agreeing in this matter … and guess what, ladies, YOU HAVE TO LIKE IT! Not just “like it” in your head but “like it” in your heart.  :slim: This is where submission comes in.

Attitude of Submission

You have to submit to the point where it shows on your face. You can say “All right, get the Pontiac, but I don’t have to like it!” … and your face looks as though you’ve been sucking on lemons! 😯 That is not submitting. Submitting is leaving the decision (whether it’s the right one or the wrong one) with your husband and trusting God to take care of this decision. God is still God and He can work through the wrong decision just as much as He can through the right decision. Let me take it one step further. Submitting also means not “throwing it in his face” when his decision ends up being the wrong one.  :-S

***ouch*** If you want to be in God’s will in your marriage, then you must desire to have your unsaved husband be the head of your home and ruler over your home. What does that mean? It doesn’t mean that you must get permission from him on what time you should eat lunch. It means that you SHOULD ask him if it’s OK with him if you spend money on a new dress… these are just examples but I think you get my meaning here. 🙂 Even if your husband is not saved, he is still the head of your house. The sooner you accept this fact in your heart, the quicker you will be able to learn the meaning of submission. You cannot submit to someone you don’t WANT in authority over you… does that make sense? I clung to 1 Peter 3:1-6 in the first few months of God’s dealing with me on submission.

I read them daily and asked God to change my heart. I memorized Psalms 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” What is a right spirit in this study? It is the spirit of accepting what God has planned for your life as a wife to an unsaved husband… Accepting that God’s will is that you submit to your husband whether he is saved or not. Accepting that you are not your husband’s personal little holy spirit in charge of making him spiritual or godly. This is God’s job … and, after all, once God does the changing in your husband, it will be perfect and permanent. 🙂

Submission applies to all wives … not just to those whose husbands are not saved. It is the will of God. It is harder for women whose husbands are not saved because she is unequally yoked. The wife of an unsaved husband goes through a spiritual battle every single day. She is placed in situations that an equally-yoked marriage does not experience. Does this mean that she should sin if her husband asks her to? Of course not. This is when the wife must obey God rather than men. Acts 5:29 we see that Peter was told that he could not preach the gospel and his response was just that…. I will obey God rather than men.

I like what Paul wrote in Colossians 3:18 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.” …. as it is fit in the Lord … this is what is called a qualifying statement. Paul didn’t end his sentence after the word husbands. He continued with “as it is fit in the Lord” for a reason. So Paul is telling us that in our submission, we must obey the Lord’s commands and not go against His will. The husband abuses his authority if he commands his wife to sin. She must obey God. She can sweetly say to her husband that she fears God’s chastisement on her life if she disobeys HIM. God will take care of the wife if that husband gets upset with her. She is being obedient to God in this instance. However, in all other instances (where sin is not involved), the wife must obey what her unsaved husband asks of her. Her obedience and subjection is service done to Christ. When a woman submits to her unsaved husband, she is submitting to Christ. She is fulfilling God’s desire for her life. This brings much comfort and peace in a woman’s heart. It brought great comfort to me. I had such child-like faith when I was first saved. I just KNEW in my heart that God would take care of me when it came to submitting to my unsaved husband. I just knew that God would not allow me to go through certain things that would place me in a situation I could not handle.

Our Life

The wife of an unsaved husband experiences things that no other wife experiences. There are times that her husband verbally abuses her because of her faith. There are times when her husband mocks her because of her faith. There are times when her husband tries to provoke her to anger and sin so that he can appease his own guilty conscience. These times are extremely difficult for this poor wife. We women are created by God as emotional beings, therefore, we get emotional during these trials and tests. I have three verses that will help you during these moments. I encourage you to memorize these two verses and they will bring you much comfort. Psalms 119:165 “Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.” Have peace in your heart because you love the Lord and don’t let anything your unsaved husband says offend you or upset you. Tell the Lord about your hurt feelings. Tell Him how much you’re hurting inside. Tell Him how you can’t bear it any more. He WILL comfort you. He WILL give you that peace. He WILL take care of your problem. I promise this! God is not an oger. God is not insensitive. God is not heartless! God IS LOVE! He loves you! He doesn’t want to see you hurting!

The Difficulties

How many of you enjoy seeing your child hurting? None of you. God doesn’t either. He comes running when He hears us crying to Him. What a lovely and comforting thought, huh? God will NEVER give you more than you can handle. The trials we experience will also have a temptation to go with it. A temptation of possibly giving up and leaving the marriage, giving in and try to take the rule of your house away from your husband, giving in to the desire of yelling back and saying unkind words, etc. However, the Word says that God won’t give you more than you can handle and WILL provide you with a way to escape this desire to yield to temptation. 1 Corinthians 10:13 “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” This is the second verse you should memorize. Turn to Him and share with Him your deep hurts. He WILL listen. He WILL not allow you to be tested beyond what you are able to handle! That would be cruel if He did and we know that God is love … He is not cruel.

The Solution

If you are experiencing a difficult trial with your husband (whether disobedient to the Word or unsaved) today, take shelter in the shadow of His wings. Psalms 57:1-2 “Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast. I will cry unto God most high; unto God that performeth all things for me.” Take refuge in God until your calamities (trials) are past. A dear friend of mine shared these verses with me when I was going through a trial recently, and I felt that it would apply beautifully in this study. God will perform His will in your life for your benefit … you have to want it and you have to allow it.

God bless you as you grow in Christ in this area of being married to an unsaved man or a disobedient man.

Heavenly Father, again I lift the dear lady here who is in this situation. Help her, Lord, to have a teachable heart and a willing heart to be the submissive wife she needs to be to her unsaved husband. Bless her, Lord, in Jesus’ Name I pray.

137 Comments

  1. I’m so glad that you were able to be blessed by this post! God is so Good!!!! 🙂

  2. Dear Kate,
    I hope you don’t mind answering a question for me and maybe there is other woman that have wondered the same, i have recently realized on the commandments to keep the sabbath please please could you help me to understand how to do this and what it would look like, as i have an unbelieving husband i’m so worried he will think i’ve gone all religious as he would put it, but i know it is more important to obey the Lord. I have heard some contradicting messages i feel i can trust your advice, so we have the original saturday sabbath or sunday, does it mean i will not be able to go to any shops do dishes, no sports for kids etc i just want to obey God, i have prayed about this but still feel unsure hoping you may be able to shed some light, thank you i really look forward to your reply,God bless

  3. Hi Sherree:

    Thank you for writing! Christians are not to keep the Sanbath as that was a sign for the Jews. Please take a moment to read the study I did on this:

    http://earnestlycontending.com/maranatha/?p=5386

    I hope this helps you 🙂

  4. oh what a relief 😛 i was wondering how i was going to be able to do sabbath, i’m so thankfull for your advice it’s hard to find good solid biblical advise, last week i was reading through Mark and come to the end and in Mark 16:15 and thought oh dear hope you could also shed some light on : and these signs will accompany those who believe : in my name they will drive out demons, they will speak in new tongues they will pick up snakes with there hands; and when they drink deadly poison it will not hurt them at all, they will place there hands on sick people and they will get well, last time i checked i hadn’t done any of these things i truely believe in Jesus and all he has done for me though and accept everything he has done for us on the cross and believe he rose from the dead and have a relationship with the lord hope this doesnt sound silly, 😕 i have only been a christian for 4 years and wasnt brought up in a christian home so all is new still ? hope these questions aren’t bugging you 😳 look forward to your reply

  5. I have recently began the practice of head covering (using a scarf as a wide headband) as the Lord drew it to my attention. My husband has made several comments about it (negatively). If he asks me to stop wearing it, who do I obey? The commands of God (which I strongly believe are not about culture in this case, as the reasons Paul gives for headcovering are not cultural but permanent) during times of prayer especially or my husband.

  6. ~1 Corinthians 11:15 But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for [her] hair is given her for a covering.

    I do not practice head covering because my hair is my covering. The covering is a reflection of submission, according to Paul in this chapter. The man is over the woman, etc. Therefore, if your husband does not like you to wear the covering but yet you wear it anyway, then you are not submitting. However, if your husband is asking you to sin, i.e. steal, lie, etc., you are to obey God. The head covering is not to cause contention. Notice verse 16:

    ~1 Corinthians 11:16 But if any man seem to be contentious, we have no such custom, neither the churches of God.


    The word “contentious” means (according to Noah Webster’s 1828 Dictionary):

    Contentious (Noah Webster’s 1828 Dictionary of American English)
    CONTENTIOUS, a.
    1. Apt to contend; given to angry debate; quarrelsome; perverse.
    A continual dropping in a rainy day, and a contentious woman are alike. Prov 27.
    2. Relating to contention in law; relating to litigation; having power to decide causes between contending parties; as a court of contentious jurisdiction.
    3. Exciting or adapted to provoke contention or disputes; as a contentious subject.

    Paul is saying that there was much contention over this issue but that the church had no such custom. You have to remember why 1 Corinthians was written. These people use to worship the goddess Diana. The women shaved their heads. After salvation, their hair was short and, therefore, they were asked to wear head coverings. Once their hair became long, they were still being told to wear their head coverings. Paul was telling them that the woman’s long hair is her head covering. When you get down to brass tacks, it is the condition of a woman’s heart that is the key in her role of submission. She can wear a head covering 24 hours a day but if she is not submissive to her husband, then she is not right with God.

    Just as Paul used circumcision as an example of the heart’s condition, it is the same here. I hope this helps you!!! 🙂

    ~Rom 2:29 But he [is] a Jew, which is one inwardly; and circumcision [is that] of the heart, in the spirit, [and] not in the letter; whose praise [is] not of men, but of God.

  7. Jesus was speaking to the Apostles and disciples here. They were being charged to go into all the world to spread the Gospel. They weren’t many in numbers at the time so they needed divine protection to be able to accomplish the task of evangelizing. Once the Apostles all died, these gifts were done away with. There are no more tongues, there are no more laying on of hands to heal the sick, etc. These were signs for the Jews so they would believe (1 Corinthians 1:22 For the Jews require a sign, and the Greeks seek after wisdom:). However, once the gifts ended with the Apostles, the signs would end. They will, however, return during the Tribulation period when the Jews are once again on center stage and the 144,000 elite go out into the world to evangelize. 🙂 Hope this helps you!

    Sherree, please email me at k8plourde @ gmail.com if you are interested in me discipling you. I have some very good lessons for new believers that will help you get your Christian foundation 🙂 We can get to know one another!! 🙂

    Blessings to you!!!

  8. Hi there.
    In a nutshell I married my husband when I was back slidden.
    He drank a lot (as did I) and was physically & verbally abusive.
    In time we had 3 children. Before the birth of my 2nd I came back to the Lord. I changed. My husband said I was not the woman he married. However, his drinking & abusivness continued. 3 years ago I left him. We have now been separated for three years.
    He still drinks regularly- but not so heavily. He drinks heavily but once every two weeks or so. He is no longer physically abusive- but is still verbally abusive when angry/frustrated.
    He shows no signs of coming to the lord. However in the last three years he has learnt to cook & can now look after the children better & takes them on short hoildays. God blessed us with a fourth child whilst separated.
    I have been seeing a Christian councillor. My husband refuses to see a councillor (Christian or otherwise) he refuses to get councilling for his anger & aggressiveness. He says because he is improved in this control and ‘isnt as bad as he was’ he doesn’t need councilling.
    I am at a loss at what to do. I have tried to remain faithful to the lord & pray. I am honest with God as to how i feel. Yes I have made mistakes since separated. neither of us have committed adultery.
    Where do I go now? Four children . Three years of separation. My husband wants reconciliation – and says he will do ‘anything’ yet refuses councilling.
    I need help/advice please.

  9. Also. Can i add that My husband says he is a catholic. He is not very tolerant of me being a Christian & mocks my faith. He says that I am obsessed. I really am not because I could do a lot more. All he see is me bible studying & keeping a prayer diary.
    He is not a Christian. He appears hard ended towards Jesus.

  10. Hi Donna,

    Thank you for posting. It must be very difficult to live in this situation. 🙁 Reconciliation is always the goal but there must be stipulations. Just because he has stopped one of the abuses, doesn’t mean he is ready for reconciliation. If he truly wants to be reconciled, he will go to counseling for his anger issues as well as counseling for your marriage. Those should be the stipulations. However, may I add that during your time of separation, you should remain separated physically? By seeing him and having relations with him during this time of separation, you are NOT encouraging him to seek help but are more or less showing him by your actions that he’s OK. That is what I would do – but I’m no counsellor.

    We are not under bondage to stay with someone who is abusive. We need to protect ourselves. But I believe Scripture tells us that we can not divorce and remarry.(1 Cor. 7:10-11) So as long as he is willing to be reconciled, stand firm and give him the grounds for getting back together: marriage counseling with a Christian counselor who will lead him to the Lord. What he needs is the Lord and only that will help him with his anger management. Only the Lord will change him. If he is not willing to do this, then stand your ground and stay separated as he will never change. In the mean time, stay sweet, don’t belittle him to your children, and pray for him.

  11. Dear kate,
    i was so blessed by your write up,may God bless you,i am married to an unbeliever and i was a lukewarm christian and will also say i never really understood and took to heart the bible’s warnings about marrying an unbeliever, although just before we got married,i felt deep down me that it wasnt right but i made excuses especially because of his good morals and neglected the warnings.few months after we got married somethings happened to me and these things strengthened my faith in christ jesus since then i started feeling so bad not seeking the lords face and not listening to me in the choice of a life partner and started feeling like i am married to the wrong person.we used to be very close and still close but drifting apart eachday because of arguments most times concerning christianity directly or indirectly,he tries not to interfere in things concerning me and God but sometimes his pattern of thinking and suggestions and some of the things he says freaks me out,for example,we had arguments yesterday because he said thank God for giving us laziness and that freaked me out so i tried to explain to him that God gave us rest not laziness that laziness is work of the flesh but he got freaked out too,in between the argument i read 1st peter 3 but really still couldnt get myself out of the argument,he is naturally a very warm person but during and after the arguments he sounds very bitter and disappointed,and as the day goes by i see him more now like a domineering person and kind of feel like he is a devil tempting me.

    We are Africans so we have only been married according to the customs and traditions of our place(dowry payment and other rites),we havent married in the church,which we intend doing as soon as we save enough to afford the wedding because in africa it costs much to do a church wedding and he does not have any opposition to the church wedding.i have been having this thought of if i break up our marriage before the church wedding is done that even though our families will have to perform some rites to separete us that it wont actually be a divorce since the church wedding hasnt been done and that i probably act fast before its time to do it but one part of me doesnt feel right about it maybe because our us,our families and other people around considers us married,i have searched the bible and cant really find what will disqualify or really qualify the marriage,i also feel strange breaking it up because we were friends for two years and dated for three years but never had sex because sex was meant for only married couples which we started having after we were married traditionally,breaking up the marriage wont be really easy because in Africa our extended families are also to an extent part of the marriage,this whole thing has left me confused
    i am also scared because i feel it is too early for our marriage to begin to have problems because its only 1year and five months,we have no kids yet and we havent even done a church wedding,we also dont stay in the same house yet because he lives in united states and i live in africa,although we have been working towards getting me a visa to go and live in united states with him which is working out well and we expect the visa to be through before end of july.i am so confused kate please i need your advise and counselling.
    N.B:i also do admit that i naturally have problem of submission,i always want to be heard and also react on any issue i feel like its an injustice to me,i have been praying for the holy spirit to help me to love more,be more humble and more kind lthough i havent really seen any physical changes because i always try to correct him and can be very sarcastic during our arguments although am always quick to forgive,he talks a lot too during the argument but a lot less than me but he is never really quick to forgive although he eventually does,kate i am frustrated and confused(and these two things are things i am so sure they dont come from the lord.)thank you as i anticipate your reply.once again God bless you

  12. Dear Onyii,

    I read your comments with gladness and sadness. With gladness because you reached the point of repentance in your heart toward the things of God. You admitted that you married an unbeliever out of rebellion and that is good. 🙂 With sadness because you are reaping what you have sown in your rebellion. Yes, we make mistakes in our lives and although we repent, the repercussions of our sins don’t always go away. Just as a woman who gets pregnant out of wedlock, she still has her child that serves as a reminder every day of her life.

    The first thing that came to mind for the type of marriage you are in is the “law of the land.” Your “place” has customs and traditions for marriage, which you and your husband submitted to. This, I believe, is no different than what the Pharisees were trying to trick Jesus with:

    ~Matthew 22:17-21 Tell us therefore, What thinkest thou? Is it lawful to give tribute unto Caesar, or not? 18 But Jesus perceived their wickedness, and said, Why tempt ye me, [ye] hypocrites? 19 Shew me the tribute money. And they brought unto him a penny. 20 And he saith unto them, Whose [is] this image and superscription? 21 They say unto him, Caesar’s. Then saith he unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s; and unto God the things that are God’s.

    The law of the land required to pay money (tax) to Caesar. If the “law of the land” does not contradict God’s Word, then we should obey it. Your tribal customs are your “law of the land” and you and your husband submitted to it accordingly for your marriage. You are indeed married according to that “law of the land.” I feel as though you are in the same boat I was. My husband and I were married in the Catholic church. Although I left the Catholic church after I was saved six years later, it did not mean that I should “re-marry” my husband in a church of born-again Christians. I believe you answered this yourself when you admitted that your friends and family “see” you and your husband as married. Therefore, you are joined with your husband now.

    ~Matthew 19:5-6 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

    You are joined together into one flesh with your husband, according to these verses. No man can put asunder (take it apart).

    As for the types of things your husband says, you must remember that your husband is not saved. Therefore, is “of this world.” You cannot expect him to act any differently than an unsaved sinner, right? (Romans 3:23) When we wives understand this, we have compassion on our husbands and we understand why they are the way they are. Don’t be so hard on him as he cannot act like a saved person because he is not.

    It sounds to me as though you realize that you need to learn submission in the Lord. Submission to our unsaved husbands does not mean doing things that go against God’s Word.

    Acts 5:29 Then Peter and the [other] apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men.

    However, it does mean that we should allow our husbands to lead our homes instead of the other way around. A good example: My husband wants a Toyota and I want a Ford. As wives, we should allow our husbands to make decisions even though we do not agree with them. If they make a mistake then they make a mistake. We should not throw it back in their face and say, “I told you to get the Ford.” Instead, we stand behind them and support them no matter if their decisions are wrong ones. After all, we cannot go against “ourselves” if we are one with our husbands as Matthew 19:5-6 states, right?

    The argument with your husband about him saying something regarding thanking God for laziness could have been avoided. Proverbs 15:1 sayd, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” We women can turn the whole atmosphere of our homes by remembering this. I think you see your husband as a domineering devil because you want to lead your home rather than allowing him to assume the position of rightful leader in your home. The devil will try to convince you to leave your husband and divorce him. Remember, the devil is the father of lies:

    ~John 8:44 Ye are of [your] father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.

    But this is not the will of God. You are married to this man and if you divorce him, you are falling for the lies of the devil and those of the world. You are not at liberty to marry another until your husband dies.

    ~Mark 10:12 And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.

    Your N.B. said it all, I believe. You said you naturally have a problem with submission. I would start here. I would ask your husband for forgiveness in this area and continue to asking the Holy Spirit for His help in your life. You are right that confusion is not of God. God is a God of peace and anything else that is opposite comes from the father of lies, the devil. (Colossians 3:15) Reading your Bible every day will strengthen your faith. As you strengthen your faith, work on the fruit of the Spirit who will guide you into righteous living.

    ~Colossians 1:9-12 For this cause we also, since the day we heard [it], do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; 10 That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; 11 Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness; 12 Giving thanks unto the Father, which hath made us meet to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light:

    I will be praying that you continue to submit to the Lord’s direction in your life.

  13. please let me also say that he just said to me now(we communicate very often through blackberry messenger,phone calls and text messages) that if it was a preacher dat said what i told you he said in my earlier posts”thank God for giving us laziness” that i will accept it and see reasons why the preacher said that.i was confused on what to answer so i said,i dont think i would but maybe,please kate could you help me out with an example of the kind of reply i should give to questions such as the one he just asked me.i will also like to add that he had a rough time as a child because of separation from his parents and was taken to his aunt”s place to grow up,in his parents place he was an anglican but when he was taken to his aunt’s place,he began attending jehovah’s witnesses with the aunty and there i will say was the formation of his christian faith,i didnt know him then but i heard he was once a devoted to preaching to people in the prisons although i dont know if he had a personal relationship with God then.he doesnt go to any church now and he is of the opinion that the bible in the course of translation has been tampered with by men,and other logical things of that nature of christians having some variations in their believe.

  14. Hi Onyii,

    Thanks for writing again. God would NOT honor laziness since there are 17 verses in the Scriptures that use the word “slothful”. God does not make mistakes. However, since your husband does not believe that the Bible is God’s Word then he may not accept your response. It sounds to me as though your husband is just “prodding” you to anger. (My husband use to do this in hopes of seeing me get angry, thus being able to point a finger at my lack of Christianity). It is best for you to ignore such sayings and just be nice. Do not attempt to get into an arguing match about God’s Word with your husband. He does not believe the Bible and, therefore, nothing you will say to him will convince him otherwise. Romans 10:17 So then faith [cometh] by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. Start praying that God would lead others to witness to your husband and to lead him to salvation! Learn from God’s Word and grow to have a sweet spirit of a wife with an unbelieving husband (1 Peter 3:1-6). Don’t argue – don’t belittle – have patience and compassion – and LOVE him 🙂

    On a side note, God has kept His words through the King James Bible in the English language. He promised to preserve His words forever so we DO have His words for today. Unfortunately, the devil has been perverting God’s Word since the Garden of Eden when he caused Eve to doubt what God said to her. Since then, he has managed to have over 200 versions of the “bible” in the English language. Is it any wonder that people misinterpret it? Is it any wonder why Christians are so weak? They are feeding from a diluted diet of perverted “bibles.”

  15. dear kate,
    thank you very much for your advice and encouragement,please i hope you dont mind if i contact you some other times with questions or issues concerning my spiritual growth.God bless you

  16. Absolutely!!! I would love for you to stay in touch 🙂

  17. kate i dont want to borther you but i cant hold it inside me,read through a lot of the comments and your responses and i cant help but say the lord has been using you tremendously,thank you so much,your blog feels like home to me,i cant thank God enough for his graces and blessings especially for bringing me across a page like this today that i desperately needed it.

  18. Praise the Lord for His unending grace 🙂

  19. Dear Kate,
    Thank you so much for writing from the KJV and standing by the Bible in all of your writing and answers. The Lord and His Word are our only source of truth. I do have a question that I have been struggling with for years. My husband and I have been married for 20 years (praise the Lord!) and have gone through a rough patch or two. The Lord has brought us through them ALL and I thank Him for it and give Him ALL the praise! It was only through obeying Him in being submissive to my husband, prayer, and reading and trusting in the Lord’s promises by faith. But there is one area that has always bothered me. In our church (independent, fundamental Baptist) we have visitation. My husband does not like to go, and I love to go. Our pastor is always preaching about soul-winning. I do everything I can at all other times, including passing out tracts wherever I go, going to my neighbors around where I live, etc. For many years, I went without my husband because he said he didn’t care if I go or not. But, then he is here at home with our younger children and I take the older ones with me. I feel horrible when I do that. I feel so unsubmissive and feel like I am trying to ‘take charge’ of our family in showing what is right and wrong. But yet, I feel like it is sin if I don’t go because it is a soul-winning opportunity which is also commanded by the Lord, and because my pastor preaches about going on visitation and we are also commanded to ‘obey them that have the rule over you.’ There are other things involved in the church and with my husband that add to the confusion for me, but I won’t go into them here. I hope this makes sense. Is there any prayerful and Bible advice you might give that may help clarify this for me? Thank you!

  20. Thank you so much for writing 🙂 It was good to hear from you. Feel free to write to me privately at k8plourde @ gmail.com (no spaces)

    As for the soul winning question – your husband has already told you that he is OK with you going without him. What better submission is there than that? He has already given you his blessings to go. You are obeying your husband AND your pastor by going without him. If your children ask you why Daddy doesn’t go, just tell them to ask Daddy why and let him explain to them his own reasonings. Meanwhile just keep saying nice things about him and lifting him up before your children 🙂 The only time you are not to submit to your husband is when he asks you to do something that is against God’s Word, amen? There is no where in the Word that says you should go soul winning without him, right? So you should have no issues there. HOWEVER, if you husband had told you not to go because you live in a dangerous neighborhood (or whatever reason), all you would have to do is tell your pastor what your husband said. NO pastor would make you feel bad for obeying your husband in this area. As you said, after all, there are MANY ways to be a soul winner without going door-to-door.

    Please write to me any time you want! I have heard from a lady in Australia and have been a new friend 🙂 So please, write!

  21. I’ve been greatly convicted reading this, but I still have one issue. My husband yells at our children without cause 99% of the time. He is very hard on their spirits and it’s hard for me as a mother to stand by and not intervene. How do I protect my children and still be submissive? My husband doesn’t think a woman has any right to express an opinion opposite of their husbands. I have been guilty of not submitting in ALL areas and I am willing to let the Holy Spirit begin working with me on it, but I don’t know how I will be able budge in this area. I would feel like I was letting my children down just sitting by and not doing anything when he screams at them for every little thing they don’t do perfectly. 🙁

  22. Hi Tonya, thank you so much for leaving a comment on this topic!! I know how hard this is for you … I’ve been through this. First of all, let’s make perfectly sure that your children are not being physically abused, nor you. If this is the case, it is best for you to protect yourself and your children and leave. Then work toward reconciliation with your husband but with stipulations. Email me privately and we can discuss this should this be the case.

    But for now, I will assume that none of you are in fear of your lives or in fear of being hurt. By your own admission, you stated, “I have been guilty of not submitting in ALL areas and I am willing to let the Holy Spirit begin working with me on it, but I don’t know how I will be able budge in this area.” It is amazing how when we women learn to be submissive to our husbands, as unto the Lord, our husband’s attitude begins to change.

    (Eph 5:22 [KJV]) Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

    It is quite possible that your rebellion in this area is the cause of your husband’s attitude toward you and the children. It’s necessary for you to repent of this sin and allow the Holy Spirit of God to fix this. So many times, it is our own actions which instigate our husband’s anger. This was the case for me. I was saved six years into my marriage and, therefore, my husband resented that I was not the woman that he had married … and rightfully so … I was NOT that same woman! 🙂 I was a new creature (2 Cor. 5:17) and this new creature wanted God to heal her broken marriage. That is when HE led me to 1 Peter 3:1-6. I began applying these verses to my marriage.

    1Pet 3:1-6 Likewise, ye wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation [coupled] with fear. 3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward [adorning] of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4 But [let it be] the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, [even the ornament] of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. 5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

    You don’t say how old your children are – if they are old enough to understand, explain to them that Daddy does not yell at them because he hates them. Tell them that God is working in Daddy’s heart and to be patient with him just as God is working in their hearts :-). Pray with your children and show them that God can change the heart of anyone who lets Him. Pray for their Daddy and for the Holy Spirit to work in your family. Your children do not need to know about the problems that exist – they see much with their little eyes. The worst thing to do is to knock their Daddy down or speak badly of him – NEVER say anything negative about their Daddy to them – keep these things in your heart and tell the Lord about them. Start building up your husband in front of your children. Ask your husband’s forgiveness for not being the Godly wife that he deserves. If you think he will laugh at you and ridicule you, do it anyway. Word it any way you want but ask his forgiveness. This was the stepping stone for me. Once I asked my husband’s forgiveness (even though he though I was nuts), I urged him to tell me he forgave me. It was important to me that he did this. I then began a conscious effort of guarding my tongue and keeping my eyes focused on the Lord. This is when Proverbs 3:5-6 became my life’s verses. 🙂 The more you grow in this area of submission, the more changes you will see in your husband.

    It’s amazing how we are the “atmosphere” of our homes. If we are bitter and angry toward our spouse, the home is like a storm! But when we allow the Holy Spirit to control our hearts, a peace comes into our homes. Our homes can be stormy or calm:

    (Prov 21:19 [KJV])
    [It is] better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

    (Prov 26:21 [KJV])
    [As] coals [are] to burning coals, and wood to fire; so [is] a contentious man to kindle strife.

    (Prov 27:15 [KJV])
    A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

    (Prov 21:9 [KJV])
    [It is] better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

    Proverbs is filled with wives who are not submissive (or men who do not submit to God and are contentious) and none of it is good. The end result of a woman who does not desire peace in her house is total disaster.

    The fact that you wrote to me and admitted that you are not submissive in all areas shows me that you want to change. 🙂 Please feel free to write me privately if you wish. We can continue to encourage one another in this area of submission 🙂

  23. hi kate how have you been,please there are some passages in the bible that has kept me thinking,if there are some people whom God has predestined to remain unsaved forever please could you help me throw more light on these passages,it is really unclear to me.the passages are romans 8 vs 29 and 30, ephesians 11vs1 ,john 17 vs 12.thank you kate

  24. Hi Onyii, I have emailed you privately. Kate

  25. This is a great article, thank you! It never occured to me that by quoting scripture to my husband that I might be as if preaching to him. He often says to me that he can never measure up to my standards…maybe that is why. I will trust God to work in my heart on that. Our marital problems run very deep, all the way back to our childhood for both of us. Basically I am feeling devalued by my husband and children and unprotected by my husband. There is a lack of parenting on his part, and if this were the only issue I would not even be commenting. I realize this is a submission issue as well. But our teen children, and in particular our son, are disrespectful and verbally abusive to me, many times in front of my husband. I am not talking about a little back talk. I mean blatant disrespect and name calling. My husband will often not say a word in my defense, which is extremely hurtful to me that he will not protect his wife. This has caused division in our marriage to the point of almost separating several times. I have told him how I feel and how it hurts me. He will say he understands but then does not act on what he says and things never seem to change. What advice can you offer in a situation like this?

  26. Thank you so much, DLK, for posting a comment on this article. The nature of my response depends on knowing if your husband and children are saved. If you prefer, we can correspond via email. 🙂 My email is k8plourde @ gmail.com (no spaces). Looking forward to hearing from you.

  27. Thank you, Kate. I prefer to keep our responses public in the hopes that it might help other women experiencing the same situation. I know of three women in my life who are struggling as I am right now with these issues (one of whom recommended this site). My husband and I are both believers, though I would categorize him as disobedient to the Word. As I said, we have been near separation several times in the last several months. The lack of parental discipline and structure in our home has caused significant problems. The issues we are facing with our kids are very serious, especially those that have to do with our teen son. My husband hates confrontation so therefore chooses to turn a blind eye and be passive and thus has lain all the burden on me. I feel like a single parent, and, of course as the only one parenting in our home, I am the odd one out and made to be the “bad guy.” On one occasion, my husband actually sat the family down and proceeded to slam me as a wife and mother in front of our kids. He has since apologized for that, but this has been the pattern. He will say all the right things after these episodes but then not act on what he says, and as soon as an issue arises with the kids, the same response from him will occur and he turns on me. In spite of these struggles, the more serious issue is my husband’s failure to defend me and protect our marriage when the kids are verbally abuse to me, sometimes right in front of him. I need for him to love me as Christ loves the church and to put me second only to Christ. I feel completely frustrated, devalued, and disrespected as a wife and mother.

  28. Forgot to metion that my children have all professed Christ as Savior as young children, but as teens and young adults, I do not believe they are saved. This can be a lie of the enemy to cause us to let our guard down and not pray for our children’s salvation. I have not seen any fruit in their lives to make me believe they are saved.

  29. Hi DLK,

    Thank you for replying!!! I know how hard it is to live with dissension in the home! :'( We wives have the natural God-given tendency to solve the problem so we can keep harmony in the home; and when we can’t, we are frustrated and feel like a failure.

    It appears to me as though you have reached the point of resentment in your feelings toward your husband. It is evident in the “way” that you write. I’m not saying this to be harsh. I’m saying this because IF it appears this way to me through your writings, then it must be evident “through your actions” at home. 🙁 I was this way toward my husband before I was saved. I grew to hate him and wanted out of my marriage. I made him miserable and I made myself miserable. Praise the Lord for His mercy and grace! 🙂 I got saved and the Lord immediately dealt with my unsubmissive spirit!

    The Lord led me to a great book that He used to change me from the inside! It’s a book by Linda Dillow called, “Creative Counterpart.” It gave me a whole new perspective of my marriage from a Christian viewpoint. She also opened my eyes that I was looking at my marriage in a VERY self-centered way. After all, as Christians we are to esteem the other BETTER than ourselves. No where in Scripture can a verse be found about self esteem – it’s all about how we can serve the other. I was constantly thinking that John was not fulfilling HIS role in our marriage. HE was the one who was neglecting his responsibilities, etc. etc. etc. My complaints were centered on him – it was all about ME and of course I thought I was always right 🙁 Reading her book revealed a horrible side of me that I didn’t like … I was very selfish … I had lost my love for my husband because of it – everything he did irritated me – he couldn’t do anything right in my eyes at this point. I blamed every bad thing in our marriage on him – I never looked at my own rebellious heart! I pleaded with the Lord to change ME, not John. I can’t change anyone but I CAN change me 🙂 That is when things began to change. The Lord reminded me of the reasons why I fell in love with my husband. Those old feelings stirred in my heart and the rest is history 🙂

    Sometimes when a husband “leaves (when it comes to leadership in the home), it is due to the fact that she has taken over the leadership role in the home and he feels as though he could not possibly do as good a job as her. And maybe this is true but it doesn’t give the wife the liberty to run the home as that is NOT her role. This is not the way the Lord God designed marriages. The husband is the head of the wife. He is the leader the home. He will give up that right when his wife tries to take it from him. Sometimes a man gives up the right because his wife nags, complains or is constantly correcting him. You don’t need to answer me but simply answer this to yourself: Are you this type of wife? Proverbs 27:15 A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. and Proverbs 25:24 [It is] better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. 1 Peter 3:1-4 Likewise, ye wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation [coupled] with fear. 3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward [adorning] of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4 But [let it be] the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, [even the ornament] of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

    A submissive wife submits to her husband as to the Lord; therefore, if the husband wants her to do something that is contrary to His Word, she of course does not need to submit. But in all other matters, she should do so just as she would if the Lord asked of her. 🙂

    We all want to think that we are the Proverbs 31 wife or the 1 Peter 3 wife. But ARE we really? DLK, I don’t know you and so it is hard for me to help. I am not a Christian counselor but what I am a Christian wife who has been in this boat – maybe not the exact type of relationship but similar. What I would do if I were you is this. I would ask my husband forgiveness for the kind of wife I have been to him. Tell him that the Lord is working on your heart and that you want what is best for him (your husband) and your children. Ask him if he would consider going to Christian counseling so that the two of you could get some useful tools to work on your marriage. Assure your husband that you are committed to making it work but using God’s way, not your own. Obviously your own way hasn’t worked thus far, right? A Christian counselor can help you both to see your weaknesses and strengths. As well, have your children involved in the counseling. They will see Mom and Dad in a new light, I believe.

    As for your children, maybe you need to have a heart-to-heart with them. Ask their forgiveness for having failed them as their mother. Even if you don’t feel you have failed them, admit to them you are human and you do make mistakes. Their lack of submission to you is more than likely directly related to your lack of submission to their father. Children are taught submission by watching their parents. Therefore, your children have an unhealthy and unscriptural view of submission. It is evident in how they treat you. Admit to them that you have not been the kind of wife God desires you to be. Tell them that by God’s grace, you will try to be that kind of wife and mother. Once they see your humble spirit and contrite heart, they may want to open up to you. If they are that resentful of you, then maybe this won’t work. In any case, include them in the counseling once you and your husband have gone through it and are successful in applying God’s Word to your lives.

    I was taught submission early on in my salvation – I asked my husband’s forgiveness for trying to run our home when it was his God-given responsibility. From that moment on, John saw a genuine change in me and he saw the dedication I had to being the kind of wife the Scriptures teach us to be. He took his role as our leader and has been the leader ever since. At the time we did not have children. But both of my sons have told me that watching me submit to their Dad has taught them that this is the kind of wife they want. The world does not produce these types of women but the Word of God does 🙂

    You may walk away from this insulted – I pray you don’t. Repenting from our disobedience to God is the first step – yes, taking the leadership role in the home is rebelling against authority – so this teaches our children that it is OK to rebel against authority – that is what is happening with your children towards you, saved or unsaved. 🙁

  30. Thanks for your reply, Kate. To be honest, it is upsetting that you have that picture of me. I understand completely how you came to the assumptions you did though. I think to fully understand what is going on in our home you’d have to be a fly on the wall without anyone knowing you were there. I recognize the characteristics you mentioned of a wife who tries to take control of leadership in the home because that was me for years. I felt I had to lead because he wouldn’t. However, I have grown tremendously since then as a child of God. I sincerely desire for my husband to be the leader of our home and for me to be the submissive wife as Scripture describes. Through prayer, counseling individually and as a couple, and several helpful resources, the Lord has given me a much more submissive spirit. Of course, I am a work in progress. When I read your comments, I almost allowed the enemy to convince me that I am still that person you described, but I know that I am not and God knows I am not. I thank Him for giving me the victory over the lies of the enemy!

    Regarding the kids, without knowing the details of the types of things we are dealing with, I’m sure it is difficult for you to get an accurate picture. When I am home during the day with the kids, I try to handle the small stuff myself. But even the small stuff used to become big blowups when the kids would ignore me. Over time, I have learned to deal with things in a more God-honoring way by not engaging them in an argument but by simply walking away. That has been a big help – they are becoming more submissive to the things I am asking from them. The change they see in me has them a little bewildered, but they seem to be pleased. 

    The problem, however, is how to handle major issues without step out of bounds as a submissive wife. As I said, I try not to bother my husband about trivial issues. But if something major comes up – like our teen son is participating in a drug deal in broad daylight in front of our house with little kids walking up and down the sidewalk – I want to feel I can go to him, and I should be able to. Am I to carry the burdens of childrearing alone – just take them to the Lord and cry out to Him and not even bother my husband? Do I need to change the delivery of the information I am relaying to him?

    I truly do want to be the godly wife and mother that God has called me to be.

  31. Hi DLK,

    Had you written what you did above initially, I don’t believe I would have come to the conclusion that I came to in my response to you 🙂 I’m glad that you rephrased your situation. OK with that behind us, let’s move forward. Again, I’m not a counselor but I can speak from experience as far as the wayward child. I had such a son – different scenario, however. My husband was a police officer – so when our son was getting involved in gangs, my husband told me that if necessary, he would allow our son to go to jail. :'( I can’t begin to tell you how much that upset me. He said that sometimes you have to allow your child to reap what they are sowing. Your children know what is right and what is wrong. They have a choice. If I were you, I would talk to your husband about this. Your children belong to the both of you. Yes, you can handle the small stuff but you should be telling your husband what they did and how you handled it. In this case, it’s major so I would seek his God given wisdom in this sensitive area. I would share with your husband about your son’s drug dealing and tell him that this is what you think the two of you should do: warn your son that if he doesn’t straighten up, you will have no choice but to turn him in to the police and have him arrested. This gives him the warning. He cannot live under the umbrella of protection of his parents if he refuses to live by your rules.

    It is the same with Christians, right? When we go outside of the will of God, we reap what we sow. It’s like when you are I were not being submissive wives, right?

    Everyone lives under a set of rules – he is refusing to do so. How old is your son? If he is old enough to live on his own, and refuses to follow your rules, he needs to be asked to leave your home as he is bring disharmony into the home. Your husband is your number one goal. Sometimes our children become a crutch – I’m not saying this is the case with you but there may be women reading this who CAN apply this. We cannot bail our children out of every mess they get into. If they willfully disobey, they must reap what they sow. They must learn that when they continue to disobey, your umbrella no longer covers them and they will have to go out on their own. Now if they are under age, that’s a different story. However, I still would not hesitate to turn my son over to the police and let him suffer the consequences. If you stop to think about this, willful knowledge of his wrong doing on your part without doing anything about it makes you an accomplice in a way ??? of course, I’m speaking as a police officer’s wife 🙂 I know this is your child and it is painful – I’ve been there!

    I’ll be praying for you and your husband as you deal with this trial! On a positive note, DLK, my wayward son joined the Marine Corps and after he got out became a police officer in the same department that his Dad retired from 🙂 \o/ This Momma rejoices today!!!!

    Kate

  32. Thank you so very much for posting this! I am currently taking a Charis Bible College class that is talking about marriage. But no one ever talks about what to do when you married an unbeliever! I am so thankful for this information! Praise God for this! I can not wait to come back in the future and give my testimony to you, because I know God is going to work some miracles in my marriage and family!
    I did not realize how badly I was ‘pushing’ my believes on my husband until reading the explanations of those verses in 1 Peter. That is so revealing! It is no wonder my husband has been distancing himself from me! I love to share! Especially my love of the Lord. So I ask my husband to watch the Gospel Truth with me, or an interesting bible class online. But I have not let the Lord heal me from past wounds because I still have trigger points and am not a quiet and meek spirit with my husband like I would like to be.
    I am hopeful now. I had just started to be slightly discouraged, but no more.
    Another good one to remember is 2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. That is one that is helpful and the one in Exodus 14:14 The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.
    Now if I can just remember those when I am dealing with my husband…lol.

  33. Good morning, Nicole! Thank you so much for stopping by and encouraging my heart!!! \o/ Praise the Lord for His goodness and mercy.

    ~Lamentations 3:22-23 [It is of] the LORD’S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. 23 [They are] new every morning: great [is] thy faithfulness.

  34. Hello there,
    My husband is a stay home dad with 2 boys and I am the one who brings in the money home, my husband is not a follower of Christ, he says he has been saved but I am not sure about but no judgement on that. I bring home the money and pays bills. How do I be obedience in the opposite roles? My husband does have an addiction that is not fit in the lord, and he would ask for me the money because he doesnt have a job, I feel very conflicted about this situation. How do I approach to this situation. Please e mail me directly. Thanks

  35. Good morning! I’m on vacation through August 8th. I would like to devote time to your comment and not rush through it. I’ll respond when I return on the 9th and will email you 🙂 Thank you for stopping by!

  36. Hi, my name is Wendy from the moment I began to read your website I could not stop crying. I got saved when I was 14 years old and I was very much on fire for the Lord. I got involved in a church that had cultish tendencies. I married my first husband when I was 17 and a half. I love the Lord so much. The Lord used my voice in ministry since I was young and me and my first husband eventually left that church that we were in for almost 18 years and began to go to an Assemblies of God Church where God used my voice for ministry.

    I had two girls my first husband. My husband would always put me down for everything I did. I became very depressed. I knew my husband loved the Lord as well, but was misguided. And I had asked numerous times for us to go to counseling. He would refuse asking, for what reason? I started going myself and the counselor told me that I was being verbally abused. I knew that God frowned upon divorce and I tried very hard to keep my family together. I had even spoken to the Pastor’s wife and her answer was to stay in the marriage. I asked her, would you say that to someone who was being physically abused? And she said of course not! I said well, I am being emotionally abused; What is the difference?

    So year after year I would raise my kids and function in my marriage. I began to grow cold towards him. We made a move from California to Florida for a change and I knew this would either make us or break us. I had not been in love with him for a few years now. I had a beautiful home in Florida and had a good job and my girls were healthy; thank God. But I still felt so unhappy. When the Lord finally touched my husband’s heart on the issue of how he treated me, I was done. I noticed he was treating me more kindly but he started with the behavior of putting my girls down in everything they did. I guess he was raised with negative encouragement where someone would tell you you can’t do that or not good enough? And that would motivate you to stand up and prove them wrong. That never motivated me and I did not want my kids subjected to that type of treatment and my oldest was constantly getting into arguments with him.

    And when I found a credit card charge for a playboy internet website, I was done. But in the process of my divorce and moving out of the house with my girls I met a man online. He was always kind and considerate and we would just talk. And you know how the story goes…….. We met up and we started dating long distance and we eventually got married, all with in about a year and a half of ending my 16 year marriage from my first husband. I was fully aware of what the Bible said about being unequally yoked. And I was disobedient. I was head over heels crazy for him.

    I noticed he had a quick temper about things but I ignored it. I moved with my girls to another part of Florida into my new husband’s house and we got married. My new husband was from the Bronx and people from NY can be very straight forward when they communicate. I was aware of that because I grew up NY till I was 13 years old. My husband and I would have a cycle of big blow outs and our first one was within a couple of years of being married. I thought to myself what did I do? What did I get myself into?

    I found a church and began to weep and pray and ask God to forgive me. I knew I had been disobedient. I felt the Lord cover me with his presence. I felt a peace come over me. With that first fight my husband said he wanted a divorce. I went and stayed with my cousin. I wasn’t accepting any of his phone calls. Finally his mother called and told me to give him another chance, that he would go to counseling. So I went back. Everything was ok. I was thankful though, when me and my husband would have these huge arguments my girls were visiting with their dad or for some reason they were not there. I did not want to make the same mistake twice. The verse kept coming to my head about being married to an unbeliever and if they are willing to stay with you do not divorce. So I would do everything in MY own power to keep him from getting upset or preventing arguments in front of the girls so I would keep my mouth shut, always agreeing to whatever he wanted. My husband has good heart and I love him very much but he has some bad behaviors, much like a small child that doesn’t get their way they throw a tantrum.

    Needless to say I would try very hard to keep the peace between me my kids and my husband that was a very heavy burden for me to bare. I always felt caught in between. My girls were teenagers and my husband never had any children so he has no idea what it is like to be a parent! He comes from a hispanic culture where disrespect is not tolerated. And he would always be butting heads with my oldest because he expected certain from her like keeping her room clean, cleaning up after herself etc. basic things…. And those things weren’t so important to her. But he tolerated it.

    Then my daughter went to college and the tension was less but again if he didn’t get his way on things in the house with me he would go off! My daughter came back home after the first year, missing home and so my husband I spoke and agreed that she can spend a semester home if she continued to go to college because my daughter would change her mind everyother day about stuff. But I pressed her to keep in school, no excuse. I also want to mention that my girls love the Lord. They are good girls don’t drink, or smoke or do drugs; they go to school and they don’t even have boyfriends yet. Thank God! They are now 20, and 18 years. My younger one gets along better with my husband because she is more the quiet type.

    One of the issues that we had with my husband is that he is a neat freak. I am not as neat as he and I had two teenage daughters. I adapted to being neater but my oldest, not so well. So she came back for a semester. And I can see and feel the tension coming from my husband about my oldest. To him if you don’t do your part in the house as far as chores and picking up after yourself it’s a big disrespect to him.

    One day he looked in the frig and noticed that there was a half of pickle in a big pickle jar that one of the girls didn’t throw out because they were too lazy to take the jar to the recycling. He called them both down to find out who did it. It was my younger one. And she was sick at the time losing a lot of weight. She was gonna throw it away but my oldest said she would throw it away for her. My husband said no, let the younger one do it! My oldest would always put her two cents in when it came to disciplining her sister. She even did it to me when I was correcting her. So she when he told her no let your sister do it, my oldest said what’s the big deal? Before I knew it I was literally between my daughter and my husband because they were in each other’s face yelling and screaming!

    He called her a B… and told me he wanted her out of the house. With my husband there is not sitting down and negoiating with him. I told him no, I was not going to kick my daughter out; she had no place to go or stay and her father was in Cuba at the time and I was not gonna do that. He told me that if she doesn’t leave this marriage is over and he took his ring off and left for a couple of days. I took off my ring, grabbed his ring and put it away. My oldest was crying and told me she was sorry. I was just praying. I didn’t know what to do. I was hoping by the time he would get home he would calm down and we could talk calmly on what to do.

    The day he came back. My daughters went to school and I had locked myself in the spare bedroom where I worked. He was knocking at the door and I didn’t let him in. (He has never gotten physical with me or my children.) He finally got the key to unlock the door and came in and calmly told me that if my daughter was not out of the house he was gonna call the cops and he was serious. What was I to do??? I prayed and asked God for direction.

    One of my girlfriends called me and I briefly explained my situaiton and she opened the door to her home for me and my girls. Since my husband was not the type to sit down and discuss things I left with my girls and I did not hear from him for almost a month. But his mom kept in contact with me and his family and they were very upset on how he reacted. Eventually we began to talk again but I told him there was NO way to even consider this relationship without going to counseling.

    The first time we went to counseling we went about 3 visits and that was it. I felt pain in my heart because of what had happened, and not knowing what was gonna happen. My youngest child was so sick at the time, in and out of the hospital. She winded up in the intensive care unit, and was a week in the hospital. I was in danger of losing my job because I was in a probation period at the time my child was in the hospital and I refused to leave her side. I just wanted to die. But I had to keep functioning.

    As painful as it was I saw God’s hand through my situation. I felt in my heart that God had me in the place he wanted me… The doctors found my daughter had an adrenal insufficiency. My job was really understanding telling me my family comes first and to stay with my daughter. My friend’s home me and my girls stayed at for a month with very loving couple, provided me and my girls with a loving home.

    When my daughter was in the hospital is when I saw my husband. We started talking more.I am sure he was very hurt too that I had left because he didn’t expect me to leave. But I could not kick my daughter out and leave her in the street. What kind of mother would I be? So I asked my husband what he wanted me to do because I could not live in my friends forever and if we were not going to work this out I would have to find a place to live. He was never really clear about anything so I found a condo that I know was also God’s hand from a very nice couple, in a beautiful condo that they had recently upgraded. Me and my both girls lived there and I told my husband that I would not consider moving back until my oldest finsihed her semester and she transferred to the University that she had planned to go to, because that was the orginal plan to begin with. She would stay with us a semester and then transfer to the University.

    I have had my own struggles with my daughter in the age she is in thinking that she knows everything and I know nothing –not wanting to go to school or work for that matter, and wanting me to care for her. That was another issue my husband had with her. But I pressed her to stay consistent. So after I moved into the condo I cried for days. I fought with the Lord I told him I don’t want to be here! I want to be home with my husband and my girls! I want my family!!!

    I fought until I got tired and asked God for his will to be done in my life. Don’t get me wrong, there were things that I had done that aggravated the marriage, as well. My father, when I was 11, up and left my mom after 16 years of marriage. There seemed to be no warning signs, not even my mom suspected anything was wrong with their relationship until he up and left. That devasted my mother! I told myself I would never be caught with my pants down, so to speak! So whenever there was a slight in change my husband’s behavior I would be insecure, constantly calling him checking on him, etc.. and that irritated him, because it made him feel that I was implying that he was doing something that he shouldn’t.

    When I came to terms with God, I started going to counseling and eventually my husband agreed to go to counseling with me in our marriage. It is a slow process but I do see a change in him. It was like our roles were reversed. I became more confident and secure and he was becoming insecure. I think he is finally realizing some stuff. It has now been 8 months I have been out of the house and for 7 months we have gone to counseling. I am a lot stronger, standing up for what I feel and not giving into his every whims. I don’t think he expected that sort of change from me. But after being apart for that long I know that I love him and he has told me that this time apart has definitely shown that he loves me and that he will work on his not getting so easily frustrated or mad about things.

    My daughter is now moving out on her own and I am moving back into the house. The one problem is that my daughter and my husband have not talked. Still, my daughter, a couple of times tried to reach out to him through text and he has not responded.He feels that in times past she had asked for forgiveness on things but had not changed her behavior after apologizing. So he feels that this is the same type of situation. I don’t hear in my heart from the Lord either way to end this marriage or continue this marriage. The only way I can know for sure is to move back in and see what happens. My deepest hurt is that the two people that I love very much are not talking and that means I cannot have my family together and that KILLS me! My youngest is moving back with me. She has one more year of jr college, then she will transfer to a University. You know I used to sing for the Lord, ministering to people through song and I would always feel such a strong connection during those times. But I have not had the desire to sing anymore …not for a long time.

    I am scared to move back. What if things stay the same? I know the Bible says for God has not given the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. But I am just being honest. Your website has given me hope that this could work. I am quite embarrassed knowing God’s word and promises and still having some doubt. Please keep me and my family in your prayers and if you have any additional advice please tell me. I felt at a loss of what to do next… but your website gave me a starting a point with some direction. Thank you.

    And just a little update, I see my husband is going through a lot of stress right now, work and personal, but we were getting along well. I felt close to him… and I am trying to be supportive of him. But yesterday the tv downstairs went out and he was like, what happened? I explained that it just went out. He started implying that when me and my girls are around, things always break and that I did not do this or that. I do not want to live in an enviroment where I am always being accused of everything that happens and even more so for my daughter… especially having the issue he had with my oldest. I get scared because I don’t want to wind up the same again. Please keep me and my family in your prayers that God gives me wisdom on what to say or not say and act and that God would save my husband. I am starting to feel hopeless even though i know that God can do a miracle. After 8 months of counseling i feel we are slowly going back to our pattern before constantly arguing. My husband wants things his way! and in moving back is now say that my oldest daughter is not allowed at the house whether he is there or not and i refuse to submit to that because that is wrong. That was just a very recent argument. And now my love for him feels like its dieing. things were great when i first moved in but now after a couple of months it is starting to feel the same like it use to. one thing i had not mention is that my husband has mention to me that he feels a presence that does not leave him alone. and at first it didnt bother him but now it was beginning to scare him because twice he has felt a physical touch and there has been no one around. he claims to be catholic and what i ask him what he did he said he prayed the hail mary. and i explained to him that Jesus is the mediator between him and God and pray to Jesus, God. i believe that he is tormented. i can feel it sometimes. I asked him if i can pray for him and he said yes. So i prayed out loud and prayed in the name of Jesus. And that was that. but then bout a week later he explained he started feeling that presence again and that when i had prayed for him he felt like it left him alone for awhile. i told him that there is a spiritual world and i believe God is calling him and the devil doesnt want that. so he is going to do whatever to prevent him from getting close to God. and he just listen. but the recent arguments me and my husband are having that by the way are ridiculous have left me discouraged that me him and i arent going to work out. especially how he treats my daughter’s. please i need advice. i just want to run away and move back to Cali where my family is. And it gets confusing sometimes because my family is saved and they say they dont want me to be mistreated and elude to the fact that i should leave him because he is not going to change. But I know this is not the answer. What should i do? i do want to the right thing. From the very very bottom of my heart i need some direction… thank you

  37. Hi Wendy, thank you for stopping by. I’m glad that there was something on this blog that blessed you in the midst of your trial. My heart goes out to you!!! :'(

    I am not a counsellor – I’m just a wife like you … who loves the Lord and wants to do right. It’s heart breaking to see what you are reaping from what you’ve sown. You don’t mention that the counseling you went to was with a Christian counsellor. That is so important. What your husband needs is salvation – he needs Jesus Christ in his life. Christ is the only one who will change him. Start fervently praying for his salvation, if you haven’t already. 🙂 I know you were looking for advice but I cannot say anything that you haven’t already heard. 🙁

    Lean on the Lord and PRAY! Seek His Word over and over so that you can be fueled for the difficulties.

  38. Is there an particular scriptures i should focus on or have helped you? the counselor was not christian. but i think personally he might of been by the way he spoke at times. we did go to a christian counselor first. but he didnt like her and all the information that she gave to us was full of scriptures and talking about God. so we went to one that was through his insurance plan. If i divorce him i would be once again being disobidient to the Lord. But should i keep my subjected to his hurtful ways? Any scriptures that i should focus would be greatly appreciated. does my situation sound like a hopeless case to you?

  39. Hi Wendy, I don’t think unsaved men respond to female counselors because females don’t understand men’s thinking. Try to find a Pastor who is committed to marriage and to God’s Word and get counseling with him. Secondly, you asked for verses. If you’ve read any of my blog’s posts on being married to an unbeliever, you’ve read all that I know. You’ve admitted to marrying outside of God’s will and you are reaping what you have sown, unfortunately :'(. That is never easy. Give your repentant heart over to the Lord and plead that He use you for your husband’s salvation.

    Study about and, more importantly, practice the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23) and 1 Peter 3:1-6. Study Proverbs 31:10-31. Develop YOUR relationship with the Lord and let the Lord deal with your husband. I cannot tell you that your situation sounds hopeless because with God ALL things are possible. (Mark 10:27) Leave your husband’s salvation and spiritual growth to the Holy Spirit and don’t preach to him. (1 Peter 3:1-6) Let your testimony of a meek and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4) be visible to your husband. And most of all, pray-pray-pray!!!

    Again, I am not a counselor and I recommend you meet with a Pastor who is committed to marriage and get your counseling from him. I will be praying for you!!!

  40. thank you for your kindness and your help.

  41. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be more helpful but prayer IS the best thing for you right now 🙂 Please stay in touch!!

  42. Marrying an unbeliever is not sin but it s not wise. We are not under law but under grace, we do not follow laws but the Spirit of God. When I was engaged to my unbelieving husband I already was born again for a couple of years. I remember calling off the wedding 2 months before getting married. My step dad is the only one who gave me advice that resounded in my spirit. As I told him that I did not know what to do, he said: ”I think you should go ahead with the wedding. You gave your word to marry him when he proposed to you”. As a child of God I now understand the importance of words. It would have been selfish to call it off after accepting to marry him. The decision making should be done way before I dating someone.

    The thing is I have a different level of revelations and understanding now that I had back then when I started dating my husband. So, for the level of revelations I had I know 100% I did not sin. But with the understanding and commitment to the kingdom that I have now – it would not fit with my conscience now if I had to do it all again.

  43. You are right, we are NOT under the Law. However, Paul taught us that we should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers in:

    2 Corinthians 6:14-18 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? 15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? 16 And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in [them]; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. 17 Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean [thing]; and I will receive you, 18 And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.

    If ANY verses apply to marriage in a perfect way it’s these verses. A married couple become one and are most certainly yoked. But as in any yoke with two openings, one spouse cannot go in one direction and the other in another direction without conflict and pain. Starting off your marriage against the heeding of the Word of God is pretty much telling God that you can do it YOUR way and don’t need the counsel of His Word.

    I’m sorry, but I take this as disobedience and disobedience is sin. Our children are taught that very young in Eph. 6:1 and Col. 3:20. Being obedient is well pleasing to the Lord. To obey is better than sacrifice (1 Sam. 15:22). As with any child, a parent will discipline their child when that child disobeys. I don’t live in your home but if looking back you can say “it would not fit with your conscience now if you had to do it all again” shows me that you realized your “error.” You can call sin “error” if you want, but disobedience to God’s Word is sin. Period.

  44. Hi, recently I ve found out that my husband has been chatting on a social networking site with married woman he had known before we married. The conversations r very dirty. I confronted him, but he still carries on. This is emotional cheating. How can I submit to him with this behavior. He is a backslidding beliver.

  45. You submit to a man who is in the Lord: Col. 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. A man who is unsaved or terribly backslidden. Submitting to our unsaved husbands should be done in areas that are not affected by Scripture. But the minute it goes against God’s Word, then we must obey God rather than men.

    There is nothing in Scripture that says you can’t depart for a period of time while working on your marriage with the goal to reconcile. Your husband won’t listen to you if you nag him about the problem. The problem is his spiritual condition. If he is saved, he will be chastised for his sin. If he is not saved, he won’t care. I would confront him about his sin and ask him to leave. Tell him that you are willing to reconcile but it will have to be with stipulations – counseling with your Pastor and working at reconciling himself with the Lord, then with you. If he tells you he is not leaving, then you will have to make a decision. Counsel with your Pastor and get his feedback.

  46. I just came across your blog, and am very thankful for how God has used you to speak to many different women on the subject of submission. I am married to a backsliding believer with a serious psychotic disorder (he is currently taking medication to relieve his psychotic symptoms, which have made him incapable of functioning normally or holding a job).

    I have spent the last year volunteering as the treasurer for my church and my husband is strongly ordering me to resign. In the past he was supportive of my work as treasurer, but now he has various reasons for wanting me to quit (one major reason is it makes him feel bad about himself for not being able to hold a job). I am an accountant by trade, although I am now a full time mom, and I believe this position is how I can use my unique talents and passions to serve the Lord and the church.

    I do believe I should submit to my husband as long as that doesn’t conflict with my submission to God. So I have questioned whether submitting to my husband in this is disobedience to God. I have been fasting today to seek God’s direction, and I feel that he is calling me to submit to my husband’s will even though it doesn’t seem like the “right” think to do (like how Sarah submitted to Abraham in calling him her brother on two separate occasions). As I continue to press into God, I feel confidence in this choice, and peace that he will bless and protect me for following him. I would love to read your insight and any encouragement you have for me.

  47. Hi Cassie, it’s good to hear from you! 🙂 I’m in agreement with you. Unless my husband asked me to disobey God, I would trust God to work through situations such as your volunteer work. My rule of thumb is to ask my husband’s feedback on things first. Then if he gives me the go ahead, I’m being submissive. 🙂

    As for Sarah, remember that she WAS Abraham’s sister (his half sister) so she was not forced into lying. But because she obeyed, God protected from any harm from coming to her. 🙂

    Stay in touch and let me know how you’re doing!!

    Kate

  48. Thank you for the quick response! I do feel confidence and peace that this is the right decision (to resign), although it is still disappointing. It is further confirmation that you agree with the reasoning.

    Please keep me in prayers though, because we are going through an extremely difficult time. Even though my husband’s psychotic symptoms seem to be in check, he has some major spiritual problems which have gotten significantly worse the past few days. He is extremely and very hurtfully verbally abusive, angry, bitter, and has been threatening physical abuse (not just towards me but also our pastor, a neighbor, his family members, etc). I am in contact with close friends and can go across the street or down the block if I need to get out of the house. The plan is for him to stay with his parents after we visit them on Saturday (even though he doesn’t agree). It takes so much prayer and self control to cope with his continuous outbursts. I also feel some guilt that it isn’t good for him to be at his parents’ house (no Christian influence, although at this point it doesn’t seem good for my daughter and I for him to be here). I am rambling but I’m sure you get the point.

  49. Hi Cassie, so good to hear from you again! I can understand the disappointing feeling you would have. I’ve been in similar situations, however, mine were self-imposed. Had I checked with my husband first, I would not have had to drop what I had taken on. 🙁 But it was a lesson well learned 🙂

    I would just be very careful when it comes to your safety and that of your children. Any time there is physical abuse, we are not obligated to stay under those conditions. Separating from your husband would be wise if he ever lays a hand on you or your children. But separation should be with the intent of reconciliation as well as with conditions set, i.e. Christian counseling, medical help, etc. Once your husband meets the conditions, then you would feel safe to reunite. 🙂 I am praying for your situation! Please stay in touch!

  50. Desiree Crawford

    This was trully a blessing for me and helped in many ways…Thank You I needed that.

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